“Who’s (Going to Get Screwed) On First?”

I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.”


 Genesis 3:19


My Friends and Fellow Rowan and Martin Fans:


(Not sure exactly when the next issue is coming out so I will wish my newest g’girl, Elizabeth Primrose, a very, very Happy First Birthday a little early!  G-Daddy loves you!)


 “Yes Boss?”

 “Now what do we do?”

 “About what, Boss?”

 “The Snowden thing”

 “It’s snowin’, Boss?  It’s August!”

 “No, you idiot! Snowden. SNOWDEN!”

 “It’s nice knowing you too, Boss!”

 “And people wonder WHY I picked you for my VEEP!”

 “You want I should get a Jeep, Boss?”

 “Joey, are you channeling Sheila Jackson-Lee again?”


 “Exactly.  No, McMensa, what do we do with Snowden that intelligence guy?”

 “Uh, Boss, I don’t know that much about intelligence.”

 “Boy, isn’t that is the truth!   No, genius, we had a rogue intelligence chap named ‘Snowden’, he spilled the beans about many of our secret programs to the ChiComs and Ruskies. He went to Hong Kong…”

 “I LOVE Chinese food, can we get come take out from ‘Won Dim Bulb’?”

 “Are you serious!  Do not DARE answer that.  Now, where was I..”

 “You was right there Boss, you did not move.”

 (TO SELF:  I swear if I am being pranked or if John Quinonnes walks in, I will have Joey sent to GITMO!)

 “He went to Hong Kong then slipped into Russia where he was holed up in the transit zone of the airport.  And, while he was there…”

 “Uh, Boss?”

 “YES, Joey????”

 “He was stuck in the airport, could not leave…?”

 “Yes, Joey… please don’t say it…”

 “… so why didn’t we send Tom Hanks to get him out?  He was stuck in an airport once and he is a big supporter of yours and…”

 “………… please tell me you are kidding? PLEASE tell me you are kidding??!?!?!?”

 “Well, since you said ‘please’, then in that case…”

 “Joe, stop it.  We have a rogue intelligence guy, sharing highly classified information AND he has more discs, sticks, lap tops full of info and he is in the enemy’s back yard!  He can spill more beans and the enemy will find out not only what we know but who got the information and how.”

 “If he spilled the beans then he should clean it up!  When I was a young lad in Scranton, if I spilled something, my mother….”

 “Really Joe? Really?  ‘Spilling the beans’ is a figure of speech, it means he told something he should not have..”

 “My mother, God Love her, used to say that you should never tell tales out of school.  Also, she said that if you were in someone else’s back yard that…”

 “BIDEN!!! For the love of allah, don’t you see what this means?”

 “Sorry boss, my phone was going off, what did you say?”

 “Sweet Mother of God, that is not a phone, that is an etch-a-sketch!”

 “Well, that explains why…”

 “Lemme explain something to you.  We have the media finally waking up and realizing that Benghazi, SEAL Team 6, IRS, NSA, Fast and Furious and so on and so forth are massive cover-ups. They may trace it back to us.  The media are getting antsy and that Jon Karl character is stirring the pot, and as we all know, the media are little more than sheep….”

 “I love lamb!”

 “… they have the attention span of a goldfish…”

 “Hey , Boss, isn’t that anti-semitic?”

 “…and with those idiots in Congress not stirring up the waters, no matter what we promise that buffoon McCain, or how we threaten Boehner and McConnell…”

 “…Goldfish, Goldberg, Goldstein…”

 “…so we need to leverage this to our best interests..”

 “Ok, so the Jewish guy who went into the snow likes beans in the airport and…  and what Boss?”

 “Did your mother have any children that lived?”

 “Just the three, why do you ….”                     

 “McMensa, look, we got away with “Fast and Furious” because it sounded too far-fetched that the US Gov’t would sell guns to the Mexican gun cartels. Then that idiot…”

 “Yes, boss?”

 “Not you, that other idiot, Stedman, muddied the waters…”

“I love the Blues, boss, and Muddy Waters is one my favorite singers.  Hey why don’t you have one of your huge parties here and…”

“Shut up, McMensa!  Until Stedman let his pals from the Black Panther Party off the hook we looked like we were coloring inside the lines.  AND DON’T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR COLORING BOOK COLLECTION!”

“Not even about the ‘Vice-Presidential Library?’”

هذاالرجللايمكنأنيكونجادا    Nevermind.  You see, Joey, what happened was there was one conspiracy then another then another and before we knew it we were up to our butts in conspiracies.  The only good thing was that each new scandal overshadowed the last.   Sooner or later we, meaning you, are going to be in big trouble! I am not sure what to do next!”

“We can always call Sharpton and Jackson and they can turn it in to a race issue and our supporters will buy into it as usual.  And there is always Oprah to secure the women’s support.”

“Not going to work, people are starting to figger out that griff.   After 40 years they have figgered out those two race baiters are full of pelosi.  It does not help that Jesse’s kid has been sent to prison and that so-called ‘Reverend’ has a piece on the side.  And Oprah?  A dumber sack of potatoes, present company excepted…”

“Thank you, boss.”

“… I have yet to meet.  Really?  Calling a shop clerk in Switzerland a racist?  Really?  Then saying it was not about race and then coming back home and throwing the race card every three minutes.  Between those three and Stedman, I would not be surprised if David Duke carried the black vote in the next election.”

“OK, boss but we still have the media in our back pocket.  So we can…”

“Joey, who is reading the paper to you? Have you been told about the editorials?  I know you like cartoons, have you seen then one’s on the Op Ed Pages?  Even the media are starting to turn against us!!!!”

“Don’t we still have the goods on McCain, Boehner, McConnell, Rubio and the others?”

“Apparently not as much as we need to keep them on the reservation.  On the other side of the coin, their credibility is shot on both sides of the aisle.”

“I am sure we can figger this out, boss.  We will come up with some kind of distraction, this is not my first time at the rodeo.”

“You are a clown, Joey.  Hey, wait a minute… rodeo?  clown?  Are people THAT stupid?”


Please if it is in your heart and belief to pray for one’s healing, kindly keep these folks in your prayers: George, Marilyn, Jim, Emily, Sandy, Howie, Frank, Laura, Sue, Jennifer I., Gail, Frances C., Otto G., Joanne B., Sue V., Chris, Kevin Downing, Rance McKenzie, Kate Mulligan, George F, Howard B., John Butter, Bill Bryant, Brandi, Billy, Teri, Jim, Kady, Kay, Yvonne, Cindy, Michele, Esther, Doug, Shana, Karen, Craig, Samantha, Shirley, Rhiannon, Tom, Gloria, Ashley, Janet, Ted, Jean, Annie, Jimmy, Collin, Michael, Little Sam, Carol Cover, Zack Cackler (6), James Day, Connor Moore, my dear friend Linda Reiner, Frank J. Iamarino, Callum Kerr (15 years old with a rare spinal cancer) and all those wounded in Colorado, American Hero Richard Creasy, the mother of Mira in the Philippines, WWII Vet Pat Connors, J. Judy Landis, Glenn Shipley (23 years old), Johnny McCafery, Millie Lesley, Buck Duncan, John Pugh, Kathy Kuzma, Zane Savin, the Boston Bombing victims, 19 year old James Harris, Evan Krieger, the good people of Oklahoma and Colorado, Richard DuBose, Chris Pruitt, Steven James Swartz, Linda Ball, Ray Casimaro, John T. Nault

Requiescat in pace: Mrs. E. Tassone, Tom Porter, Chris Ginzel, Chris McLaughlin, Peggy Cline, Johnny Brooker, Anne V, ATF SA John Capano, PO Peter Figoski NYPD, Sean LaPersonerie, Bobby Kleeber, Gene Bree, Msgr. Dan Hurley, my dear friend Rudy Koenig (God Bless you and keep you Ruru), Shirley Pincus, Pam Derr, those from Colorado (Jonathan Blunk, Alexander Boik, Jesse Childress, Gordon Cowden, Jessica Ghawi, John Larimer, Matt McQuinn, Mica lamed, Veronica Moser-Sullivan, Alex Sullivan, Alex Teves and Rebecca Wingo) and those in the Sikh Temple, Dorothy Conway, Presiding Officer NCL Peter Schmitt, Patricia Ann Suglia, NCPD Officer Joseph Oliveri, NCPD Officer Arthur Lopez, Capt. Bill Lesley, Charlotte Bacon (6), Daniel Barden (7), Olivia Engel (6), Josephine Gay (6), Ana M. Marquez-Greene (6), Dylan Hockley (6), Madeline F. Hsu (6), Catherine V. Hubbard (6), Chase Kowalski (7), Jesse Lewis (6), James Mattioli (6), Grace McDonnell (7), Emilie Parker (6), Jack Pinto (6) Noah Pozner (6), Caroline Pevidi (6), Jessica Rekos (6), Avielle Richman (6), Benjamin Wheeler (6), Allison N. Wyatt (6), Rachel Davino (29), Dawn Hochsprung (47), Nancy Lanza (52), Anne Marie Murphy (52), Lauren Rousseau (30), Mary Sherlach (56), Victoria Soto (27), Alan Meyer, Jorma Latva, Tom Malinowski, , Doris Butts, Vinnie Siccardi (RIP Pal), Mrs. Blake, Frank Faeth, Mary Louise Beck, Maria Carmenaty, 15 month old Casen Baker, Lady Margaret Thatcher, Annette Funicell, Jack Lyons, Debra Convoy, 8-year-od Martin Richard, Krystal Campbell, Lu Lingzi, Debby Conroy, Linda Shipley Rowland, the firefighters in Arizona, Jeanette Sepe, Hao Duc Bui, Ray Ball, Monique Casimaro

Any others who are sick or recently deceased and you wish prayers, please ask.


If it is in your heart (which it should be) and in your ability (which I hope it is) that you will take a moment and think of our brave men and women serving our Country.

If you can send a package, that would be wonderful. If you need any guidance on this, please contact me for details. If nothing else, I am sure that it is within everyone’s ability to send them a card with a “thank you for your service” sentiment included. Maybe a prepaid phone card might be something you can slip in the card as well.

If any of you have anyone serving particularly in Afghanistan or anywhere else, please let me know and I will add their name here.

Stephen James Swartz (in Marine Boot as we speak)

Anthony Magri

USS New York (LPD 21)


FPO AE 00579


I am John and I approve this message!

Be strong, keep the faith and pray. (While you can.)

God Bless



PS: As always, I appreciate and welcome your thoughts, ideas, comments or criticisms. To be added to this thing, please send an email to: Jaksavin@aol.com with the words “ADD” in the comment subject line (and anything else you care to write in the body.) To be deleted, same address with “DELETE” in the subject line. Thanks!


2 thoughts on ““Who’s (Going to Get Screwed) On First?”

  1. Roslyn says:

    Yeah it works! I think, second try, what happened to the other one?? LOL, we shall see!

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